why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
