He uses pillows to masturbate.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
