I must be too annoying 4 u.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
