Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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