It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
