mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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