I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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