My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
