Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
