She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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