if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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