Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
