well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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