I cannot find my penis.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
