I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
