I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
