Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
