Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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