Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
