When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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