walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
