I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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