Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
