Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
