im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
