capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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