A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
