1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
