They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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