We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
