the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
