hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
