apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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