I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
