what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
