if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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