So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
