someone get that fucking seahorse.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
