Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
