no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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