AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
