Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
