I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
