I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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