I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
