the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
