Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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