did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
