9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
