pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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