OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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