Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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